ÿþ00:00:36:06 00:00:37:16 Help you?
00:00:37:18 00:00:39:04 Did you write this?
00:00:40:22 00:00:43:17 Jane Eyre. No, that was Charlotte Brontë.
00:00:44:02 00:00:46:25 Right. Well, I'd like to speak to her then, please.
00:00:48:12 00:00:49:12 Well...
00:00:51:10 00:00:54:06 I'm afraid... I'm afraid she's no longer with us.
00:00:54:17 00:00:56:02 Oh. Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
00:00:56:04 00:00:59:01 Did she leave some kind of forwarding address?
Where can I get in touch with her?
00:00:59:03 00:01:02:04 No. No, I meant no longer with us
in the sense of dead.
00:01:02:06 00:01:03:16 -Dead?
-Quite dead. Yes.
00:01:03:18 00:01:05:22 Oh, I see. And when did she die exactly?
00:01:06:15 00:01:09:05 Erm, 1 855, I think I'm right in saying.
00:01:09:07 00:01:10:12 1 855?
00:01:10:14 00:01:14:16 Oh, let me see, that's what,
five minutes to seven, isn't it?
00:01:15:17 00:01:16:22 No, no.
00:01:17:15 00:01:20:20 No. 1 855 in the sense of the year 1 855.
00:01:20:22 00:01:23:20 -Oh. Oh.
-Was there some problem?
00:01:23:22 00:01:26:17 Well, you'll have to do, I suppose,
since you sold me the thing.
00:01:26:19 00:01:28:07 I want my money back.
00:01:28:23 00:01:33:09 -Well, do you mind me asking why?
-I'll tell you why. Because it's balls, that's why.
00:01:33:11 00:01:35:03 It's complete balls!
00:01:36:10 00:01:38:13 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
disagree with you there.
00:01:38:15 00:01:41:06 (STAMMERING) Oh, are you? Well, just let me...
Just listen to this.
00:01:41:08 00:01:42:24 Hm, hm... Er, er...
00:01:43:01 00:01:47:01 Oh, yes. Here, here.
''I mounted into the window seat,
00:01:49:16 00:01:54:06 ''gathering up my feet,
I sat cross-legged, like a Turk.''
00:01:54:17 00:01:56:19 I mean, it's just complete balls.
00:01:59:01 00:02:02:08 -Balls in what sense?
-Balls in the sense of balls.
00:02:02:21 00:02:05:09 I mean, what window seat? This is the first page.
00:02:05:11 00:02:07:11 She's never mentioned a window seat before.
00:02:07:13 00:02:11:11 And what Turk? Have you ever seen
a Turk mount a window seat?
00:02:11:20 00:02:13:00 It's complete balls.
00:02:13:02 00:02:15:23 Well, erm, I think you're supposed to imagine it.
00:02:16:00 00:02:20:08 Oh! Oh, really? All right, then. All right. Well...
Then how about this bit here?
00:02:20:10 00:02:22:08 Oh, yes, here we are. Yes, chapter 38.
00:02:22:10 00:02:23:15 ''Reader...
00:02:24:07 00:02:25:18 (SNORTING)
00:02:26:09 00:02:29:25 ''Reader, I married him.'' Hmm?
00:02:30:02 00:02:33:24 Well, if that isn't balls,
kindly fax me an explanation of what is.
00:02:34:08 00:02:37:06 Hmm? What reader? Or, are you supposed to
imagine this reader as well, are you?
00:02:37:08 00:02:40:19 No, no, that's you. It's addressed to you,
the reader of the book.
00:02:40:21 00:02:43:07 Oh, balls!
00:02:43:11 00:02:47:21 She couldn't know me.
You just told me the stupid tart died in 1 855.
00:02:47:23 00:02:52:00 Well, not you specifically, but whoever happens
to be reading the book at the time.
00:02:52:02 00:02:54:06 Jane Eyre is telling you
that she's married Mr Rochester.
00:02:54:09 00:02:56:20 Jane Eyre's a made-up character!
00:02:56:22 00:02:59:08 -She doesn't even exist.
-No, but she writes the story.
00:02:59:10 00:03:02:20 -She is the ''I'' of the story.
-Oh, make your frigging mind up.
00:03:03:04 00:03:06:03 You just told me
Charlotte Brontë wrote the blasted story.
00:03:06:05 00:03:07:16 Well... Well, yes, she did, but...
00:03:07:18 00:03:11:19 Well, you're obviously as confused as I am.
The whole thing is just balls from start to finish
00:03:11:21 00:03:13:08 and I want my money back.
00:03:13:16 00:03:15:08 Hmm? Give me something, please, to read
00:03:15:10 00:03:17:20 that doesn't go on about window seats
I've never heard of,
00:03:17:22 00:03:21:13 and doesn't have some dead bitch
calling you ''Reader'' all the time.
00:03:23:06 00:03:24:17 All right. Erm...
00:03:25:24 00:03:27:22 Well, what about this?
This is proving very popular.
00:03:27:24 00:03:29:00 Hmm? What is it?
00:03:29:02 00:03:32:09 This is The Invalid
by Myra Penworthy Fennerweave.
00:03:32:22 00:03:34:16 -Any good?
-Excellent.
00:03:34:18 00:03:36:09 Right. Hmm.
00:03:37:01 00:03:39:16 ''Talbot entered the room in a feverish haste,
00:03:39:19 00:03:43:10 ''bearing his precious cargo before him
like a votive offering.
00:03:43:12 00:03:46:10 ''Elizabeth lay back on her bed,
her face pale and pinched.
00:03:46:12 00:03:48:19 '''Richard, is that you?' she moaned.''
00:03:48:21 00:03:50:15 Oh, this is just complete balls!
00:03:50:17 00:03:54:15 Bally baldy, baldy bally,
bally, bally, balls, balls, balls!
00:03:55:06 00:03:58:01 It's not, actually. That is true.
Every single word of that happened.
00:03:58:03 00:04:00:06 Oh, double balls and bollocks!
00:04:00:17 00:04:02:08 Richard, is that you?
00:04:02:10 00:04:05:00 -Darling Elizabeth.
-Oh, Richard.
00:04:05:02 00:04:07:20 -I knew you would come.
-I, too, Elizabeth.
00:04:07:22 00:04:09:24 I, too, knew that I would come.
00:04:10:01 00:04:12:14 Richard, I am far from well.
00:04:12:24 00:04:16:17 -Far, far from well.
-Elizabeth, I bring soup.
00:04:17:00 00:04:21:03 I bring warm nourishing soup,
fitter the better to make you more well with.
00:04:21:05 00:04:24:07 Richard, you are so kind, so very kind.
00:04:24:12 00:04:27:02 Let me help you to a little of this soup, Elizabeth.
00:04:27:04 00:04:31:16 I shall pour it so, into this small dish or saucer.
00:04:31:23 00:04:36:12 Can you, Elizabeth, can you bring this small dish
or saucer of soup to your lips?
00:04:36:24 00:04:42:13 Richard, I am trying to bring this small dish
or saucer of soup to my lips.
00:04:42:15 00:04:44:06 But the effort exhausts me.
00:04:44:08 00:04:48:11 Let me, Elizabeth, let me bring
this small dish or saucer of soup
00:04:48:13 00:04:50:06 to your lips in this manner.
00:04:50:08 00:04:54:05 Cradling your neck thus and introducing
the soup as gently as I may know how.
00:04:54:07 00:04:55:19 So kind, Richard.
00:04:57:15 00:04:59:06 -So!
-Henry.
00:04:59:15 00:05:01:21 -Talbot?
-Elizabeth.
00:05:01:24 00:05:04:07 As soon as news reached me
that you were in a decline,
00:05:04:09 00:05:07:17 I drove from Hampshire like a man
with a devil hot at his heels
00:05:07:19 00:05:09:03 to bring you some broth.
00:05:09:05 00:05:12:24 Broth? Huh!
Cannot you see that this lady is ill, sir?
00:05:13:01 00:05:16:06 I am helping her to a small dish or saucer of soup.
00:05:16:09 00:05:18:06 She cannot be doing with broths.
00:05:18:08 00:05:19:11 Soup!
00:05:19:13 00:05:22:14 You dare to presume upon a sick girl with soup?
00:05:22:18 00:05:26:04 Elizabeth, I cannot recommend
that you endanger your delicate constitution
00:05:26:06 00:05:28:14 with coarse, peasant broths.
00:05:28:19 00:05:33:05 Peasant? This broth is refined
from purest lamb's liver.
00:05:33:07 00:05:34:13 Lamb's liver, is that all?
00:05:34:15 00:05:38:11 All? The devil fly away with your impudence.
Of course, it is not all.
00:05:38:13 00:05:42:12 The brains of seven young guinea fowl
are delicately sieved through muslin
00:05:42:14 00:05:44:16 and left to set on a jelly of ox blood.
00:05:44:18 00:05:45:20 Gentlemen, please.
00:05:45:22 00:05:49:08 Aye, and left to sit in too warm a kitchen, too,
I'll warrant.
00:05:49:10 00:05:53:17 Thus curdling the whole into a mess
unfit for an ailing lady.
00:05:53:19 00:05:56:19 By no means, left to set in a chilled larder.
00:05:56:21 00:05:59:20 The comminuted stock of fried bull's penis
00:06:00:00 00:06:02:04 is then folded in on a gentle heat
00:06:02:06 00:06:05:00 and thinned with pig's urine and goat sweat.
00:06:05:02 00:06:08:12 Imparting a delicacy of flavour
and a rich sustaining body
00:06:08:14 00:06:12:07 that no thin, dandified soup
could ever hope to attain.
00:06:12:09 00:06:17:06 ''Thin dandified soup?'' By God, you'll pay
for that insolence before this day is out, Talbot.
00:06:17:08 00:06:22:04 This soup is reconstituted from
a stock of boiled horse's rectum
00:06:22:06 00:06:24:16 and thickened with German vomit.
00:06:25:12 00:06:29:14 That is all very well, my fine young sir,
but the proof of the soup is in the supping.
00:06:29:16 00:06:33:07 Then sup on this, Talbot, and weep.
00:06:33:13 00:06:37:18 If you can bear to be humbled,
then taste the broth of paradise.
00:06:42:12 00:06:45:16 -Mmm. Excellent.
-Not bad at all.
00:06:48:15 00:06:53:08 The recipe for both these dishes,
Henry's broth and Richard's soup,
00:06:53:10 00:06:56:18 is available on Ceefax, page 62 7.
00:06:57:03 00:07:01:12 In the meantime, I'm going to have to decide
which of these two to have sex with.
00:07:02:00 00:07:03:07 Goodbye.
00:07:03:23 00:07:04:23 -Bye.
-Bye.
00:07:06:21 00:07:11:14 Oh, yes, my boyfriend's
a real DIY enthusiast, DIY mad.
00:07:11:16 00:07:16:05 He's decorated the whole room
and he's put up all these bookshelves,
00:07:16:07 00:07:19:06 and now he's writing all these books
to put on them.
00:07:20:10 00:07:23:14 We used to have three bingo halls
in this part of town.
00:07:23:16 00:07:25:16 They're all bloody cinemas now.
00:07:25:18 00:07:27:15 What is the world coming to?
00:07:28:21 00:07:30:05 Yeah, I like tricks.
00:07:30:07 00:07:32:16 I do a lot of tricks on the kids' birthdays.
00:07:32:18 00:07:36:22 I did this one last year.
I made them all stand in the hall
00:07:37:00 00:07:39:20 and I went out, closed the door,
and I haven't been back.
00:07:44:01 00:07:47:23 Yes, I think on balance,
I probably am a bit unbalanced.
00:07:50:09 00:07:53:13 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm extremely lucky
00:07:53:15 00:07:56:22 to have been born physically healthy,
physically whole.
00:07:57:03 00:08:00:23 You know, I've got... I've got two eyes,
two arms, two legs, four nipples.
00:08:01:00 00:08:04:16 And, you know, I'm physically normal
and I give thanks for that every single day.
00:08:04:18 00:08:06:23 But I do have a mental problem.
00:08:08:00 00:08:12:08 I suffer from what psychiatrists call
a split personality.
00:08:12:10 00:08:13:14 No, I don't.
00:08:17:06 00:08:19:02 I've had this problem for some time now.
00:08:19:04 00:08:20:05 No, I haven't.
00:08:20:07 00:08:22:07 But, recently, it has got much worse.
00:08:22:09 00:08:24:11 How can it get worse, if it was never there?
00:08:24:13 00:08:27:11 My psychiatrist... God, what a fraud he is.
00:08:27:20 00:08:31:02 Suggested that I give my other personality
a name, so I've called him Anthony.
00:08:31:04 00:08:32:08 Yes, what do you want?
00:08:33:17 00:08:36:12 Now, Anthony is... Anthony is not like me.
00:08:36:14 00:08:37:20 You can say that again.
00:08:38:17 00:08:42:12 Anthony likes, well, you know,
different books, films, music.
00:08:42:24 00:08:46:08 He likes double pleats on his trousers,
when I prefer single.
00:08:47:04 00:08:49:24 And if it were down to him,
he would drive a Citroën GX.
00:08:50:01 00:08:52:20 They happen to be extremely stylish motorcars.
00:08:53:19 00:08:56:01 But possibly Anthony's biggest problem
00:08:56:03 00:08:58:16 is that he suffers from a split personality.
00:08:58:18 00:09:00:10 No, I bloody don't!
00:09:00:23 00:09:03:19 Anthony's other half, as it were,
is called Nathaniel,
00:09:03:21 00:09:05:20 and he claims to be Welsh.
00:09:05:22 00:09:08:04 (IN WELSH ACCENT) What do you mean claim?
I bloody am Welsh.
00:09:08:06 00:09:11:07 I just don't happen to live there
at the moment, that's all.
00:09:22:19 00:09:24:09 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH LANGUAGE)
00:09:24:24 00:09:27:23 FRY: The game of Bushwallyta, or Dragon Foot,
00:09:28:00 00:09:31:16 is thought by many to have evolved
from the earlier Kanwaniwani Games
00:09:31:18 00:09:33:06 of the central Himalayas.
00:09:33:08 00:09:35:10 To the casual observer, this may actually seem
00:09:35:12 00:09:38:14 like an ordinary Kanwaniwani stalemate position.
00:09:38:24 00:09:41:19 But Bushwallyta has many important differences.
00:09:41:21 00:09:46:20 Rantors are used instead of bitomys
and the scoring system is also quite different.
00:09:46:22 00:09:51:09 What you're seeing now is a third round replay
between two of the giants of modern Bushwallyta.
00:09:51:11 00:09:54:22 To the left of us, the Hungry Wolf,
undefeated this season,
00:09:54:24 00:09:57:22 and opposite him, Katwan the Optimistic.
00:09:58:01 00:10:01:05 At this point, the score is still nine all.
00:10:03:02 00:10:06:07 And as they ready to brace themselves
for a full bintwendo,
00:10:06:09 00:10:09:21 Hungry Wolf really does ask
a lot of questions of his opponents.
00:10:10:00 00:10:14:06 Only one more respoty-spot allowed
before a double fifth is declared.
00:10:17:00 00:10:19:07 Looking very mean, very concentrated.
00:10:19:16 00:10:24:03 Extraordinary tactical player, the Hungry Wolf.
Very hard to predict.
00:10:28:24 00:10:30:16 Not giving anything away.
00:10:34:01 00:10:35:17 Beryayina!
00:10:35:20 00:10:37:20 And we have a full beryayina.
00:10:37:22 00:10:40:05 And, as you can see, the object of the game
is to see which player
00:10:40:07 00:10:43:17 can make a workable picnic chair
out of whatever materials are available.
00:10:43:19 00:10:45:06 In this case, of course, with grass.
00:10:45:08 00:10:47:18 Looks as if the Hungry Wolf has done it. Yes.
00:10:47:20 00:10:51:13 Extraordinary speed.
He's managed, and is ready to sit.
00:10:51:20 00:10:53:23 Yes. And again...
00:10:54:09 00:10:56:15 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Katwan the Optimistic managing...
00:10:56:17 00:10:57:18 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH LANGUAGE)
00:10:57:20 00:11:01:00 ...not even a steam iron,
only a flat iron on this occasion.
00:11:01:17 00:11:04:05 So once more, the Hungry Wolf, victorious.
00:11:04:07 00:11:05:07 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH LANGUAGE)
00:11:07:04 00:11:09:24 Hard to imagine who could defeat him this season.
00:11:11:02 00:11:15:18 As he takes the styling comb,
and generous applause.
00:11:15:20 00:11:17:05 (YELLING VICTORIOUSLY)
00:11:17:12 00:11:19:01 A remarkable champion.
00:11:20:02 00:11:24:03 And next week we'll be in Chile
for the Afwafada Spithade Games.
00:11:30:00 00:11:31:08 (IN AMERICAN ACCENTS)
I gotta ask you something.
00:11:31:10 00:11:32:12 Go ahead.
00:11:32:14 00:11:35:23 -Are you sleeping with my wife?
-What?
00:11:36:00 00:11:38:01 -I said, are you...?
-I heard what you said.
00:11:38:03 00:11:41:05 -So, you gonna...
-What the hell kind of a question is that?
00:11:41:07 00:11:43:12 Are you sleeping with my wife?
You gonna answer?
00:11:43:14 00:11:44:14 Hell, no.
00:11:45:00 00:11:46:24 -Hell, no?
-Hell, no. It's a dumb question.
00:11:47:01 00:11:49:02 ''Are you sleeping with my wife?''
is a dumb question?
00:11:49:04 00:11:50:14 You're damn right.
00:11:51:20 00:11:53:23 -So?
-So what?
00:11:54:00 00:11:55:21 -So, are you sleeping with my...?
-Don't ask me that.
00:11:55:23 00:11:57:23 Don't ask me that dumb question.
00:11:58:16 00:12:00:21 -That means yes.
-What the hell means yes?
00:12:00:23 00:12:03:19 ''Don't ask me that dumb question'' means yes?
What the hell's the matter with you?
00:12:03:21 00:12:06:05 You haven't answered my question.
I asked you a question, you haven't answered it.
00:12:06:07 00:12:08:07 For Christ's sake, I'm sitting here,
I'm eating my dinner.
00:12:08:09 00:12:11:13 I'm eating my dinner,
and you start with these dumb questions.
00:12:13:06 00:12:14:16 -If you're sleeping with my wife...
-What?
00:12:14:18 00:12:16:14 -I'll kill you.
-What the hell you gonna do? You'll kill me.
00:12:16:16 00:12:18:02 -Yeah, I'll kill you.
-You'll kill your own brother?
00:12:18:04 00:12:21:21 -Yeah, I'll kill my own brother.
-Yeah, well, relax. I ain't sleeping with your wife.
00:12:23:09 00:12:25:17 -You prove that?
-Prove what?
00:12:25:19 00:12:27:06 Can you prove you're not sleeping with my wife?
00:12:27:08 00:12:29:15 How the hell am I...
How the hell am I gonna prove that to you, huh?
00:12:29:17 00:12:32:06 What would be nice, maybe, is if you believe me
when I tell you something,
00:12:32:08 00:12:35:05 instead of starting with all these dumb questions.
00:12:41:17 00:12:44:07 -Okay.
-Okay what?
00:12:44:19 00:12:46:04 -Okay, I believe you.
-You believe me?
00:12:46:06 00:12:48:18 -Yeah.
-Well, thank you. I can eat my dinner now?
00:12:48:20 00:12:50:02 -Sure.
-Okay.
00:12:53:04 00:12:56:03 Are you sleeping with my sister?
00:12:56:05 00:12:57:22 -What?
-I said, are you sleeping with...?
00:12:57:24 00:12:59:10 No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:12:59:12 00:13:01:13 -You're my brother, right?
-Right.
00:13:01:15 00:13:04:23 -So, your sister is my sister.
-What do you mean?
00:13:05:11 00:13:06:15 What do you mean, ''What do you mean?''
00:13:06:17 00:13:08:18 You're my brother, right?
So your sister is also my sister.
00:13:08:20 00:13:10:11 We have the same sister, you and me.
00:13:11:05 00:13:12:09 So what?
00:13:12:11 00:13:15:11 So? So, Jesus, you're asking me
if I'm sleeping with my own sister?
00:13:15:13 00:13:17:03 -Are you?
-What?
00:13:17:05 00:13:19:02 (STAMMERING)
What the hell kind of a question is that?
00:13:19:04 00:13:20:14 Are you sleeping with your sister?
00:13:20:16 00:13:24:11 What am I doing? What am I doing sitting here,
listening to all this bullshit, huh?
00:13:24:13 00:13:27:02 -You're eating spaghetti.
-Spaghetti bullshit.
00:13:28:18 00:13:31:15 -Bolognese.
-I come here... I come here to eat my dinner,
00:13:31:17 00:13:34:06 -and I get all this bullshit, for what?
-Well, for...
00:13:34:08 00:13:37:02 You shut your mouth. Shut your mouth, all right?
00:13:37:20 00:13:40:16 Sleeping with my own sister, Jesus.
00:13:47:13 00:13:50:09 -Are you sleeping with my mother?
-That's it. One more word out of you...
00:13:50:11 00:13:51:16 -And what?
-You know what.
00:13:51:18 00:13:53:12 You and your dumb bullshit questions.
00:13:53:14 00:13:56:02 Whose dumb bullshit questions?
I ask a question, that's all.
00:13:56:04 00:13:58:08 Hey, Mama. Come on, you hear this, huh?
00:13:58:10 00:14:01:00 -You hear all this bullshit he's giving me?
-What bullshit?
00:14:01:02 00:14:02:12 I ask a question is all.
00:14:02:14 00:14:08:11 Both of my boys, they just adore
new Ragazzo Sauce.
00:14:10:14 00:14:12:16 Are you sleeping with my brother?
00:14:14:14 00:14:17:06 Well, I'm completely mad. Utterly insane.
00:14:18:01 00:14:21:12 There's a whole gang of us.
The other day we went to the cinema.
00:14:21:14 00:14:22:14 Mad.
00:14:24:03 00:14:28:19 My nickname at school used to derive
from the fact that I play with myself a lot.
00:14:30:12 00:14:33:01 Yeah, we...
I remember we had this teacher at school.
00:14:33:03 00:14:35:14 She had... She had very large breasts.
00:14:35:19 00:14:37:22 And we used to call her, I'll never forget this,
00:14:37:24 00:14:40:09 we used to call her Mrs Wilson.
00:14:42:15 00:14:46:11 We used to hope that our eldest son
would become an engineer.
00:14:46:13 00:14:49:18 But sadly,
he became Minister for the Environment.
00:14:50:14 00:14:54:11 The pamphlet, which was about
the crisis in faith in the inner cities,
00:14:54:13 00:14:57:03 was distributed at last year's synod.
00:14:57:05 00:15:00:07 It was called, if I remember rightly,
''Sit on my Faith.''
00:15:01:19 00:15:04:20 Well, my next guest is a most unusual musician.
00:15:04:22 00:15:07:18 He describes himself as an aromusician.
00:15:07:20 00:15:11:20 To find out what that means, let's meet
the self-styled professor of fragrance,
00:15:11:22 00:15:13:11 Ottoman Nodge.
00:15:13:13 00:15:14:22 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
00:15:14:24 00:15:17:00 (IN MOCK EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:15:17:02 00:15:18:11 Good evening, Professor.
00:15:18:13 00:15:20:13 It's fantastic to be here.
00:15:20:17 00:15:25:20 Now, you have a version
of Mozart's Overture to The Marriage Of Figaro,
00:15:25:22 00:15:27:12 which you are going to perform for us, I believe.
00:15:27:14 00:15:30:07 Yes, quite right. Yes, this brilliant, fantastic piece,
00:15:30:09 00:15:32:21 that's so popular for many, many years,
00:15:33:00 00:15:35:19 has been heard in many versions.
00:15:35:23 00:15:39:17 But never has before been transposed
for fragrances.
00:15:39:19 00:15:41:15 I see. Now, let me get this straight.
00:15:41:17 00:15:46:01 You're going to do a version in which smells
replace musical notes.
00:15:46:04 00:15:49:12 You are shatting right
that is what I am going to do, yes.
00:15:49:15 00:15:51:22 My principle generally is this,
00:15:52:00 00:15:56:02 that I take the vetivers and the wood barks
00:15:56:04 00:16:00:18 and the darker, woodier tones for the minor key,
00:16:00:20 00:16:05:00 and the richer, fruitier essences
represent the major key.
00:16:05:02 00:16:08:19 Well, that's enough talk.
First of all, let's hear a snatch of the original.
00:16:08:21 00:16:10:06 -Snatch?
-Snatch.
00:16:10:08 00:16:12:16 -You're sure, snatch?
-Quite sure, thank you.
00:16:12:18 00:16:14:18 Let's hear a snatch of the original.
00:16:14:20 00:16:18:04 (THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO BY MOZART PLAYING)
00:16:24:07 00:16:25:23 Well, thank you, Mozart.
00:16:26:00 00:16:28:10 Now for my version.
00:16:28:18 00:16:31:23 Of course, the great disadvantage of my technique
00:16:32:00 00:16:35:04 is that I can only ever perform
to an audience of one.
00:16:35:06 00:16:37:01 So, this performance is just for me.
00:16:37:03 00:16:39:09 That's right. I'm working,
however, however, however,
00:16:39:11 00:16:41:03 on the technique to overcome this.
00:16:41:05 00:16:46:01 Now, we are in common time. So, three, four.
00:17:05:00 00:17:08:02 Thank you. I now choose to revive him
00:17:08:04 00:17:11:18 with my version of Take me Home, Country Roads.
00:17:11:21 00:17:13:21 You're very kind. Thank you.
00:17:15:13 00:17:19:23 Right. So, right. And right.
00:17:20:00 00:17:23:22 So, er, Simon, I think... Erm, right.
00:17:23:24 00:17:26:05 It's your choice, I think.
00:17:27:04 00:17:29:06 A consonant please, Carol.
00:17:32:02 00:17:34:10 Right, that's a ''B''.
00:17:35:00 00:17:35:25 Vowel.
00:17:37:20 00:17:38:20 ''O''.
00:17:39:13 00:17:41:13 Another consonant please, Carol.
00:17:42:03 00:17:43:11 That's ''L''.
00:17:44:08 00:17:45:23 And another consonant.
00:17:46:22 00:17:48:01 Another ''L''.
00:17:49:19 00:17:50:23 Vowel, please.
00:17:52:16 00:17:53:16 ''O.''
00:17:54:20 00:17:56:11 A consonant please, Carol.
00:17:58:06 00:17:59:13 ''C''.
00:18:00:02 00:18:01:15 Another consonant, please.
00:18:01:18 00:18:04:24 All right, that's an ''S''.
00:18:05:24 00:18:08:06 And another consonant please, Carol.
00:18:11:08 00:18:12:15 And that's a ''K''.
00:18:15:12 00:18:19:06 All right, right. So... Right.
00:18:19:17 00:18:23:17 Right, your countdown starts now.
00:18:23:20 00:18:25:06 (TICKING)
00:18:33:16 00:18:35:02 (GONGING)
00:18:37:06 00:18:40:14 Right, so, Simon.
00:18:40:20 00:18:43:10 -How did you get on?
-Just four, I'm afraid.
00:18:43:12 00:18:47:04 Four, just four. Right, so, four.
00:18:47:21 00:18:51:02 And our champion, Liz, how about you?
00:18:51:04 00:18:52:19 Four, as well.
00:18:52:21 00:18:56:24 Right. Four, too. So, four each there.
00:18:57:05 00:18:58:20 Good ''four'' each of you.
00:19:00:02 00:19:04:05 Right. So, good. That's very interesting.
So, four each.
00:19:04:07 00:19:07:20 -What's your four? Simon first.
-''Lobs''.
00:19:08:20 00:19:11:16 Lobs. So, lobs. Right.
00:19:11:18 00:19:14:17 Meaning lobs, I suppose.
00:19:15:08 00:19:19:18 Right, right. Well, let me lob it over to you, eh, Liz.
00:19:19:20 00:19:22:10 Can I ask what you got for your four?
00:19:22:14 00:19:23:14 ''Look''.
00:19:24:02 00:19:28:00 Look, look, look. Right, look.
00:19:28:12 00:19:33:05 I think we can allow that.
No need to look that one up in the dictionary.
00:19:33:16 00:19:36:24 So, what about our guardian of the dictionary,
00:19:37:06 00:19:39:01 did you find anything better?
00:19:39:08 00:19:43:10 Well, now, as a celebrity,
rather than a member of the public,
00:19:43:13 00:19:48:07 I naturally did rather better,
and came up with ''books'' for five,
00:19:48:09 00:19:50:18 or ''blocks'' for six,
00:19:50:20 00:19:53:01 or there is an eight, actually.
00:19:53:10 00:19:56:17 An eight, eight. So, eight.
00:19:56:19 00:20:00:04 Well, that's a... Eight. That's very exciting. Eight.
00:20:00:06 00:20:03:04 So, well, what's your eight?
00:20:03:08 00:20:04:13 ''Sloblock''.
00:20:06:14 00:20:10:17 Sloblock. So, sloblock. Right.
00:20:10:19 00:20:12:02 Sloblock.
00:20:12:04 00:20:16:00 And what does ''sloblock'' mean, exactly?
00:20:16:04 00:20:19:04 Basically, a sloblock means balls,
00:20:19:07 00:20:21:06 the things we keep in our scrotums,
00:20:21:08 00:20:24:06 or by extension, something that is rubbish
00:20:24:08 00:20:26:06 or a pile of nonsense.
00:20:26:10 00:20:29:22 ''Oh, that's a load of sloblock,'' you might say.
00:20:31:07 00:20:35:25 I see, right.
Well, let's hope no one calls this programme
00:20:36:02 00:20:37:16 a load of sloblock.
00:20:39:14 00:20:41:10 What's the difference...
00:20:41:13 00:20:44:10 All right, what's the difference
between a man and a woman?
00:20:46:07 00:20:47:13 No? Oh.
00:20:48:13 00:20:51:17 Excuse me, what's the difference
between a man and a woman?
00:20:52:12 00:20:54:06 No, me neither.
00:20:55:05 00:20:58:04 Yeah, we... We may be slow.
00:20:58:13 00:21:01:20 You know, but we're steady.
We get there in the end.
00:21:02:08 00:21:06:02 Oh, excuse me, madam. Does the name
Jack the Ripper mean anything to you?
00:21:09:14 00:21:12:02 ''Well, there's no point going at it half-cock,''
I said.
00:21:12:04 00:21:16:12 ''Mind you,'' I said, ''In your case,
there's not much point going at it full-cock.''
00:21:22:02 00:21:23:03 (EXCLAIMS)
00:21:23:05 00:21:27:13 Good heavens, Jack.
Good Lord, you gave me such a fright there.
00:21:28:03 00:21:31:07 Oh, there I was mending
the bloody old lawnmower.
00:21:31:09 00:21:33:19 And, well, in actual fact it's...
00:21:33:21 00:21:36:01 It's not an old lawnmower,
it's quite a new lawnmower.
00:21:36:03 00:21:38:15 That's why it's so bloody for having gone wrong.
00:21:38:17 00:21:40:25 -Hello, Neddy.
-Well, hello, Jack. Hello, Jack.
00:21:41:02 00:21:45:18 Sorry. I was wittering there just now. Yeah, so...
Well, you know, lawnmower's bust and...
00:21:45:20 00:21:47:23 Well, how are you, Jack?
00:21:48:00 00:21:49:08 I am well, thank you, Neddy.
00:21:49:10 00:21:52:24 Well? Oh, that is good news. Good, good.
Because, you know, here I was,
00:21:53:01 00:21:54:24 thinking the world
was a pretty bloody sort of a place,
00:21:55:01 00:21:57:23 you know, you could pay good money for
a lawnmower that doesn't even work.
00:21:58:00 00:21:59:03 (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
00:21:59:05 00:22:01:12 And then, you know, you tell me that you're well,
00:22:01:14 00:22:04:08 and suddenly things
don't seem to be so bad after all.
00:22:04:10 00:22:05:24 Sort of puts everything in perspective.
00:22:06:01 00:22:07:10 -Neddy?
-Oh, Jack.
00:22:07:13 00:22:10:07 -I have a question to put to you.
-Oh, good.
00:22:10:09 00:22:14:01 I would be very grateful if you could furnish me
with an honest answer.
00:22:14:03 00:22:16:04 Furnish you, Jack?
Yes, yes, of course, I'll furnish you.
00:22:16:06 00:22:19:22 Yes, you ask away, and leave the furnishing to me.
00:22:19:24 00:22:21:01 Good.
00:22:21:08 00:22:24:04 Yes, clever little toy, that, isn't it, Jack? Yes.
00:22:24:07 00:22:26:05 It's called a Stanley knife. It's...
00:22:26:07 00:22:29:09 It's a sort of knife
made by a fellow called Stanley.
00:22:30:06 00:22:33:01 First or second name, I'm not sure, Jack.
I could find out.
00:22:33:03 00:22:35:24 If you're interested, you know,
make some inquiries, as it were.
00:22:36:01 00:22:38:03 -Ingenious.
-Do you like it?
00:22:38:05 00:22:41:02 -Well, for goodness' sake, you keep it, old sport.
-That's very kind of you, Neddy.
00:22:41:04 00:22:44:08 Oh, don't mention it, Jack.
Yes, plenty more where that came from.
00:22:44:10 00:22:46:15 -Neddy?
-Still here, Jack. Yes.
00:22:46:22 00:22:49:07 How would you like to be Prime Minister?
00:22:50:05 00:22:51:21 (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
00:22:52:06 00:22:55:10 -Well?
-Sort of a trick question, is it, Jack?
00:22:55:12 00:22:57:24 -Not at all, Neddy.
-''Not at all, Neddy''.
00:22:58:01 00:23:00:03 Yeah, well, how would I like to be Prime Minister?
00:23:00:05 00:23:02:09 Well, Jack, do you fancy a cup of tea?
00:23:02:11 00:23:03:18 I could just pop in...
00:23:03:20 00:23:08:06 When you've furnished me with an answer, Neddy,
a cup of tea would be most agreeable, thank you.
00:23:08:08 00:23:12:09 Well, Prime Minister. Yes.
Well, yes, I expect it would be very enjoyable,
00:23:12:11 00:23:13:13 to be Prime Minister, Jack, yes.
00:23:13:15 00:23:16:19 You know, riding around in big motorcars,
policemen saluting you and all that.
00:23:16:21 00:23:19:01 Yes, I expect it would be very interesting work.
00:23:19:03 00:23:21:02 You'd like to be Prime Minister?
00:23:21:04 00:23:23:23 (STAMMERING) Well,
I expect there are worse jobs.
00:23:24:00 00:23:25:06 (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
00:23:26:09 00:23:28:02 And what about your wife?
00:23:28:17 00:23:31:15 No, I wouldn't like to be my wife, Jack. No, no.
That would be, well...
00:23:31:18 00:23:35:06 I mean, how would your wife
take to you being Prime Minister?
00:23:35:18 00:23:38:05 Well, I tell you what, Jack,
why don't I pop in and ask her.
00:23:38:07 00:23:40:16 I want your opinion, if you don't mind, Neddy.
00:23:40:18 00:23:43:21 As you know, I represent a group of people.
00:23:43:23 00:23:47:20 Yes, yes, I do know that, Jack. Yes.
Very fine people, too. I have no doubt.
00:23:47:22 00:23:50:06 A group of people who are becoming
increasingly concerned
00:23:50:08 00:23:52:11 at the direction in which this country is going.
00:23:52:13 00:23:53:17 Right. Right, yes.
00:23:53:19 00:23:56:25 We feel that the current Prime Minister won't do.
00:23:57:18 00:24:00:03 -Won't do?
-Won't do.
00:24:01:02 00:24:04:07 -Won't do what, Jack?
-Won't do, Neddy.
00:24:04:21 00:24:06:22 -Oh, I get you.
-Do you?
00:24:07:05 00:24:08:09 No.
00:24:08:11 00:24:11:14 We feel that a change is needed
if disaster is to be averted.
00:24:11:16 00:24:14:10 We want you to be the next Prime Minister.
00:24:15:13 00:24:16:20 (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) Crikey.
00:24:17:09 00:24:20:19 Well, Neddy, will you do this for us?
00:24:21:11 00:24:22:20 Oh, Jack.
00:24:23:10 00:24:27:24 Well, first of all, let me say
that I am deeply touched,
00:24:28:01 00:24:29:07 deeply touched.
00:24:29:14 00:24:32:04 You know, but, Jack, there is just...
There is just one thing.
00:24:32:06 00:24:33:14 Can I tell you something, Jack?
00:24:33:16 00:24:35:18 -By all means, Neddy.
-Right, well, Jack.
00:24:35:20 00:24:39:17 You know, when I was at school,
I used to play cricket for the third eleven.
00:24:40:12 00:24:42:05 No bloody good, of course.
00:24:42:14 00:24:44:04 Used to go in at number eight.
00:24:44:06 00:24:48:09 Well, no, I went in at number seven once
when Proby had his appendix out.
00:24:48:12 00:24:50:11 But otherwise, you know, well down the order.
00:24:50:13 00:24:52:03 Is this strictly necessary and relevant?
00:24:52:05 00:24:55:17 Well, I think it is necessary and relevant, Jack.
Yes, yes, I think it is.
00:24:55:19 00:24:58:08 Well, you see, the point is
that we used to play this match,
00:24:58:10 00:25:00:19 this one match every year against Trenton House.
00:25:00:21 00:25:03:18 A bit of a sort of needle match, Jack,
to be honest with you.
00:25:03:20 00:25:05:24 You know what boys are like. Well, anyway...
00:25:06:01 00:25:09:03 This one year, they turned up without an umpire.
00:25:09:05 00:25:12:24 And the captain told me to get out there
and call the shots.
00:25:13:16 00:25:17:13 And, well, the thing is, Jack, you know,
I couldn't do it.
00:25:17:15 00:25:19:03 What do you mean, you couldn't do it?
00:25:19:05 00:25:22:04 Well, you know, Jack, the responsibility,
the decisions, you know.
00:25:22:06 00:25:24:12 ''Howzat?'' they would scream in my face,
you know.
00:25:24:14 00:25:27:19 And I just used to go into the most dreadful funk.
00:25:29:00 00:25:31:24 Gave one chap out
before he'd even left the pavilion.
00:25:32:12 00:25:36:08 Well, what I'm really saying, Jack, is that,
you know, I'm a follower.
00:25:36:10 00:25:37:24 Not a leader, if you know what I mean.
00:25:38:01 00:25:40:09 -Precisely, Neddy.
-Precisely, Jack, yes.
00:25:40:11 00:25:42:21 You are precisely the person we need.
00:25:43:10 00:25:44:16 Oh, Lor.
00:25:44:18 00:25:47:03 So, will you do this small thing for us?
00:25:47:09 00:25:52:10 Well, of course I'll do it, Jack. Yes, good Lord, yes.
Anything for my old pal, Jack. Yes.
00:25:52:12 00:25:57:10 Excellent. Congratulations, Neddy.
I know the country is in safe hands.
00:25:58:01 00:26:00:23 The House of Commons
sat in stunned silence today
00:26:01:00 00:26:05:00 as the Prime Minister, Mr John Major,
announced his intention to resign,
00:26:05:10 00:26:10:03 saying he wanted to spend more time
with his collection of miniature fire engines.
00:26:10:19 00:26:14:23 His successor, a Mr Neddy Muldoon
of Orchard Lane, St Neots,
00:26:15:00 00:26:18:18 has been elected unopposed
by the Parliamentary Conservative Party.
00:26:18:22 00:26:19:22 (JOURNALISTS CLAMOURING)
00:26:19:24 00:26:22:01 I say, Jack. Not a bad turnout, is it?
00:26:22:03 00:26:23:08 JOURNALIST 1 : Mr Muldoon!
00:26:23:10 00:26:24:18 Yes, over here. I'm Muldoon.
00:26:24:20 00:26:29:05 JOURNALIST 1 : Mr Muldoon, what is your position
on Europe? Do you see yourself as a federalist?
00:26:30:03 00:26:31:03 Er, crikey.
00:26:31:19 00:26:36:10 Well, you know, federalist is as federalist does.
That's always been my watchword.
00:26:36:12 00:26:38:22 JOURNALIST 2: Does that mean
you'll be advocating the German model
00:26:38:24 00:26:40:02 in future discussions?
00:26:41:02 00:26:45:05 Er, Jack, a boy from Trenton House
is screaming ''howzat'' in my face.
00:26:45:07 00:26:48:20 I believe very strongly in the
notion of peace through strength.
00:26:49:01 00:26:50:16 -Yes. So do I.
-JOURNALIST 1 : You do what?
00:26:50:18 00:26:54:07 I believe in what Jack just said.
Yes, peace through strength. Very important. Yes.
00:26:54:09 00:26:55:23 And if it should become necessary...
00:26:56:00 00:26:59:04 And if it should, at any time, become necessary...
00:26:59:06 00:27:00:21 ...to protect the interests of this country...
00:27:00:23 00:27:05:10 ...to protect, in a manner of speaking,
the interests, as it were, of this country...
00:27:05:12 00:27:07:14 ...we will not hesitate to invade Poland.
00:27:07:16 00:27:11:13 ...we will not hesitate to invade... Excuse me.
00:27:11:17 00:27:15:01 Er, Jack, you don't you think that's
pitching it a bit strong, do you?
00:27:15:03 00:27:17:08 -It's what we agreed.
-We?
00:27:17:10 00:27:20:08 Your supporters, Neddy. We agreed.
00:27:20:10 00:27:23:22 But, Jack... Oh, hello,
you've still got that knife I gave you.
00:27:23:24 00:27:25:01 It's doing all right, is it? Useful?
00:27:25:03 00:27:26:20 Very useful. Thank you, Neddy.
00:27:26:22 00:27:30:02 JOURNALIST 2: Mr Muldoon, did you say that
you were prepared to invade somewhere?
00:27:30:04 00:27:33:00 Oh, no, no, no. Just a silly misunderstanding, no.
00:27:33:02 00:27:37:12 What I always suggest in situations like this
is that you sit round the table...
00:27:37:15 00:27:41:06 Well, it doesn't have to be a round table,
you could sit along the side of a long table.
00:27:41:08 00:27:44:09 And just have a bit of an old chat
and a head scratch.
00:27:45:09 00:27:47:20 -Oh, Jack.
-Yes, Neddy?
00:27:48:20 00:27:52:04 -Someone's just gone and stuck a knife in me.
-Officer!
00:27:52:06 00:27:54:12 The police are after them now, Neddy.
00:27:54:16 00:27:56:14 (JOURNALISTS CLAMOURING)
00:27:56:21 00:27:57:24 MAN: Are you all right?
00:27:58:01 00:28:00:04 -Jack.
-Yes, Neddy?
00:28:00:21 00:28:02:20 I want you to have my lawnmower.
00:28:05:16 00:28:08:08 Well, that seems to be about it for this week.
00:28:08:10 00:28:10:04 That's right.
Sadly, there isn't even enough time left...
00:28:10:06 00:28:12:06 For you to finish that sentence.
00:28:12:20 00:28:16:14 -So, it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.
00:28:16:16 00:28:19:14 -And it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.
00:28:19:16 00:28:21:13 And it's good night from me.
00:28:21:15 00:28:24:14 We're going to leave you
with tonight's cocktail recipe.
00:28:24:16 00:28:27:14 And tonight, it's beef goulash.
00:28:28:03 00:28:30:23 For this, you will need a microwave oven
00:28:31:00 00:28:33:20 and a frozen packet of beef goulash.
00:28:34:05 00:28:37:01 Please, Mr Music, will you play.
00:28:38:15 00:28:41:01 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:28:59:22 00:29:01:22 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
00:29:21:06 00:29:22:06 (MICROWAVE BELL RINGING)
00:29:27:16 00:29:28:23 Dinner is served.
00:29:29:00 00:29:30:20 -Soupy twist.
-Soupy twist.